Relying on a Memory

Written August 26th, 2021

I am realizing as I sift through the nearly 80,000, yes 80,000, photos I have accumulated and captured over the last seven years since venturing into iPhone territory, that some of the places and faces cannot be recalled with as much ease as I expected. Perhaps that has been the issue - moving so quickly, just a day, a week, a month, without taking time for integration or settling in. There has been an overwhelming amount of stimulation since leaving New York City in 2017 - I walked the Camino de Santiago, then made a trip through the Arab world, ventured the Baltic and crossed into Western Europe, and now back on Turtle Island (The United States of America). It's been A LOT. A lot of beauty, a lot of connection, a lot of family (yessss Soul Tribe), a lot of decisions, a lot of delicious food, a lot of MUSIC, a lot of Love, a lot of Laughs, a lot of Tears, a lot of alone time, and yet, still a lot of Noise. The message always seems to be to Slow Down. And I am reminded of that quote over and over again, "If you want to go fast, go alone, if you want to go far, go together." It seems I have become accustomed to going alone and quickly. Just getting to a place or achieving a certain thing, without care or thought of the process and with whom, what, or how I'll get there. And, unfortunately, in this way, we miss out on Our Life. Truly. Our Life is made of the Little Moments. When we rush through, we are stepping by and passing aside people, places, and opportunities for the connection and fulfillment we seek. This journey will never end if we continue to look outside. the world is captivating and tempting, enticing. I want to go there, see that, eat that, experience that, and yet, the truth is, that it matters WAY WAY more who you are sharing these experiences with. Lisbon isn't the Lisbon I know and love without the person I experienced it with. España no es Espana sin mi familia Andaluz a mi lado. Aman no puede ser la Aman I know and love without my team of Shams Community magicians to share and collaborate, and so on and so on. Of course we can always rewrite and recreate, having new experiences and new people and places to venture on with. However, what I've noticed about my wanderings and travels is that I often end up finding and feeling just what I have been searching for, and then in these moments when it feels so good and right and like I have finally arrived at it, I am onto the next. I'd truly like that to end and jus stick with things that feel good. And life is like that because they won' t ALWAYS feel good, but if we practice and we strengthen our communication, our trust in ourselves and the others, then we can go ahead build a strong foundation on which we can continue to grow and flourish and thrive. I have found myself in a perpetual discovering phase, which I am excellent at... plop me in any place and within a few days, or even hours, I will have found the local hangouts, the cool people and events and goings on, and I will be living local, as us perpetual gypsy travelers do. It is a true gift to be able to tap in in this way, really, and the trick is staying true to your own energy, integrity, which I slip away and into some funky situations sometimes. As the Highly Sensitive, Slightly Autistic, Empathic, Healer, Earth Witch that I am. And then, too, how about all the other phases of life - learning, growing, making mistakes, establishing, growing some more, creating, finding comfort in the flow, and eventually thriving. I would like to be at that Finding comfort and Familiarity in the Flow much more. And eventually feel that sensation of Thriving. I feel like it's been a while since that. I have been continually breaking down and throwing out and rewriting and erasing the script, now it seems not even clear who is this Lauren character and what is she even doing? She's still on the move? And what has she created? IS she alone in all of this? That must be a hard life after all. She does S E E M happy and the adventures are new and novel and exciting, but winter is coming and wouldn't it be nice to just be warm and cozy and snuggled up next to a special someone? Yes, I'd say so. And the sounds of childrens' voices and baby's cries ring familiar and nostalgic and there's a longing for family in there, too. It's an interesting experience to move through all of it and realize these deep deep knowings and longings of the soul. What helps is the writing, too. There is a strength and power to our words. The spelling, Spell. Ing. Making magic in the words. It is a craft and a special skill, too. When we remember. There is also a flow that happens once I allow myself to sit and be at the keyboard, at the notebook, at the sketch pad. Usually there's words, even on a blank page or canvas, there's words. It's my way of expression. And if not written then through Spoken Word. We have realized (me and many of mine) that I am a Storyteller. You may be thinking or saying 'duhh' as if you had known that all along, sometimes it's just my own stubbornness, still at the age of 34, that keeps me from myself. Questioning, wondering, seeking, trying to figure it out, instead of just sitting and letting things flow. It can be scary that Duende. Duende is the term flamencos use to describe the spirit that takes over the dancer when they are "in it". You know what I mean, especially if you have every experienced a true flamenco performance. It means spirit, or elf, like a mischevious forest knome of sorts, that possesses you with its spirit and you release and let go into the whilr and swil and craziness, spontaneousness of its message, of its art, of its expression. And that's what all of this is. The art, the music, the relationship, LIFE. We must learn to let go and surrender to what is looking to be expressed through us - whether it be a language (Spanish & Arabic? for me!), a movement (yoga & dance), a sound (screaming, speaking), an art for (drawing, painting, photography, ecstatic expression through movement, word, sound, etc), it is a flow that we surrender to and it happens to me with writing. Actually once I sit at the keyboard and actually put down something that has inspired me, the rest all comes, no plan really, just as it is. I often don't even begin because I don't have a plan, and I don't know and I want to know before I go. I want to know before I start, and the truth is that if you go in with heart and clear intention, all will be given. When you go in with heart and clear intention and FAITH, trust in the divine that you are protected, you are healthy, you are well, all is happening FOR you, then you are guided, not always seamlessly, but guided in the way that is needed for your ultimate knowing and learning and growth, into who you are truly meant to be, whether you are aware and wether you believe it or not. 

So, all that being said, the true purpose of this post was to say that if you are experiencing something NOW then it is worth putting it down and creating with it and from it NOW so that it stays and solidifies and integrates into a way of living and part of your life. We can only do this through practice. Through practice we RE-MEMBER, we put back together. So when we meet someone or participate in something, we use their name and we repeat what we learned, we SHARE it, through SHARING or knowledge it becomes real for us and it lives on. And that's what this is all about the Living On of a legacy, or our learnings, of our experience. I am realizing that I am not on this journey for me. I am on this journey for me and all that come after me, all that learn through me, all that watch, listen, look up to and believe in me. And the best I can do is be at peace within my heart and share my life in a simple way, live a more authentic way, and feel good, feel love, feel closeness. Life is not meant to be lived alone, constantly seeking and searching, life is to feel good, be cozy, be close, that word that the Danish use, you know, hygge. It's for real. And I'm realizing it more and more as I get older, and more and more as the speed of our planet increases and the seasons become moments in time. What sort of feeling do I want to have in the Winter, how would I like to spend my summer, what does the spring look like or feel to me? These are all things that we can actually contemplate and create for ourselves, and yet, the most important is truly peace in the heart and the clearing of the mind. I send blessings to you all and hope and wish you are living for NOW and not just a memory. I've got a ton of those and yet still find myself alone and in the middle of nowhere, re-membering.