C O W B O Y - I S H

 Written on August 25th, 2021

"You could NEVER pass as a BOY, even with a mustache!" The response to my pleading that with my straw farm hat, purchased in Ann Arbor, Michigan last summer, clad with purple/yellow grass from my friend Ted's neighboring lot, I was cowboy-ish, made indistinguishable gender-wise, "gender-fluid" like, a real attractive male or a feminine-leaning boy. At least that was how I saw it, she was not convinced. Dven if I was wearing the cowboy hat, the denim/courdoroy pants, not even close. Neither a compliment or an insult, just as it is. 

So tonight was my first night hosting at the local cafe/restaurant, hang out in the small town of Dubois, Wyoming. Cowboy Cafe, with it's low ceilings, funky dimmed yellow lighting, wooden booths and walls, swinging doors, loud crazy kitchen and guests from all over the world. You really do feel transported to another time. The true Wild West. Stopped in time, for a moment amidst the desert landscapes and wide open spaces. Music playing from the early '90s, then a hit from 2004, then throwback to the '80s. And we're in 2021. Late August, in fact. Are we sure? 

Whatever the case, the environment, service, and food does not disappoint. I had my first meal there just under a week ago after hearing rave reviews about it, and also the more limited selection of eateries in town. Having traveled the world and lived in New York City, one gets a sort of radar for quality and vibe, and the Cowboy does not disappoint. Almost every place is hiring these days, so up to you where you want to put your time and your energy. We are still in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic and some people wearing masks, The food is great, service quick and friendly, and the environment all what you'd expect from a Wild West saloon. And what a riot it was. I spent nearly the whole shift cracking up at the absurdity of the experience. Running here and there, attempting to keep my composure and ground amidst the snake eyed bandits who desire to whisk you away. Complimenting you on your smile and comparing your face and stature to the Not too sure what is keeping me here or what there is for me to do or discover about these parts, a real stopping point, a trading post of sorts way out here in the badlands, headwaters, vision quest land... ohhh!!! That's what we're doing out here! I am a healing musician/horsewhisperer on the lands. 

Work harder not smarter, nope, work SMARTER not HARDER is what she says. Sage, my friend/acquaintance/high school middle school elementary parallel kindred spirit. That's the reason I'm out here really. I kept running into her parents and having visions of similar things and places and not too sure what it' s all about. And there's the eyes, the protection, the spirit, the capture, the captive? It's hard to say. I really find it all so fascinating, the twirling swirling back and forth and time traveling. That's what it is really. Traveling through time. I guess I had the feeling that I was a cowboy, many lives many masters, so it' s all me. And I am not so sure what it means or what it all looks like, alls I know is (in my grandpa's voice, we called him Pop-Pop and he TOTALLY belongs in this fairy tale Visionquest western hinter land tale) that I had the feeling to work with horses and it was confirmed in the cards. I literally pulled a tarot card with two horses, a dark and light coated, standing in front of a log-ish cabin. And so there's that -ish. It's like you say it but not completely and so you just add the -ish to show that it' s not completely 100%

"I could totally be a cowboy? Cowgirl? You can't really tell, right?"

"That's like totally unnatural," claims Sage in response to my look, middle-part, long hair pony tail tied up to the side, as opposed to wearing my hat while hosting at the local joint downtown. The hat makes it, it' s everything really. You HAVE to wear it.

I stopped through at 5:55 AM this morning, Tuesday, August 24th (it's already the 25th now as a scramble to get down into words, or word process all the info and story of this evening) and the owner, making pounds upon pounds of bacon. She took a huge spatula and just kept on moving them through, stopping for nothing, not even to meet with me for a few moments. She is dedicated. She wears Dansko. Supposedly it means that you're committed. I don't know if I'm there yet. So I stopped through at 5:55, told her I'm looking for work, I could serve, host, whatever was needed, she said it was perfect because their one host was leaving today, so I could come in at 5 PM to shadow. Booked, done!I came through at 5 PM and hopped right in. There was the prep station where I was for a minute, the cleaning/cooking/grill station where I walked right through, and then the floor, where I was. My place. On the stage like, yet not really.

Sage keeps claiming "It's all temporary" yet I actually think "it's all forever" really, and it's all now, so, yea, I get it's temporary, but what makes it the most powerful for me is that everyone is everyone, or something like that, everyone is me. So then, what's the big deal if I want to sing in front of them, or speak in Spanish, or dance or write or share my thoughts and journals and photos. What's the big deal? I guess there is no big deal except me giving myself permission to let it out, to create, to let loose and allow things to flow, that's all there is. All the stories are there waiting... and fading! Because they do, so it is of utmost importance that we tell the stories and keep the soul alive, keep the vision, the places, the PEOPLE alive. That's the truth of it. We live on in stories, in words, in memories, in places, in faces that remember. 

----

Other notes to expand on and remember:  

Cleaned it all, cleanliness is godliness.

"You ready to take it on?"The evening Hostess shift.

Kurt, from the Antler shop saw me playing music at the Honey House on Wyoming TV or internet reel. Wanted my signature, he'll send me the video.

Group of men in DuBois fishing, they thought I was the native actress from Dances with Wolves, I thought they saw the video of me playing music, they asked me to play but I didn't have my Uke. I brought it the following night while working at the Cowboy Cafe, the fishing dudes showed up and I played for the full house. Made $50 from one song! Doubled my nightly tips!

Relying on a Memory

Written August 26th, 2021

I am realizing as I sift through the nearly 80,000, yes 80,000, photos I have accumulated and captured over the last seven years since venturing into iPhone territory, that some of the places and faces cannot be recalled with as much ease as I expected. Perhaps that has been the issue - moving so quickly, just a day, a week, a month, without taking time for integration or settling in. There has been an overwhelming amount of stimulation since leaving New York City in 2017 - I walked the Camino de Santiago, then made a trip through the Arab world, ventured the Baltic and crossed into Western Europe, and now back on Turtle Island (The United States of America). It's been A LOT. A lot of beauty, a lot of connection, a lot of family (yessss Soul Tribe), a lot of decisions, a lot of delicious food, a lot of MUSIC, a lot of Love, a lot of Laughs, a lot of Tears, a lot of alone time, and yet, still a lot of Noise. The message always seems to be to Slow Down. And I am reminded of that quote over and over again, "If you want to go fast, go alone, if you want to go far, go together." It seems I have become accustomed to going alone and quickly. Just getting to a place or achieving a certain thing, without care or thought of the process and with whom, what, or how I'll get there. And, unfortunately, in this way, we miss out on Our Life. Truly. Our Life is made of the Little Moments. When we rush through, we are stepping by and passing aside people, places, and opportunities for the connection and fulfillment we seek. This journey will never end if we continue to look outside. the world is captivating and tempting, enticing. I want to go there, see that, eat that, experience that, and yet, the truth is, that it matters WAY WAY more who you are sharing these experiences with. Lisbon isn't the Lisbon I know and love without the person I experienced it with. España no es Espana sin mi familia Andaluz a mi lado. Aman no puede ser la Aman I know and love without my team of Shams Community magicians to share and collaborate, and so on and so on. Of course we can always rewrite and recreate, having new experiences and new people and places to venture on with. However, what I've noticed about my wanderings and travels is that I often end up finding and feeling just what I have been searching for, and then in these moments when it feels so good and right and like I have finally arrived at it, I am onto the next. I'd truly like that to end and jus stick with things that feel good. And life is like that because they won' t ALWAYS feel good, but if we practice and we strengthen our communication, our trust in ourselves and the others, then we can go ahead build a strong foundation on which we can continue to grow and flourish and thrive. I have found myself in a perpetual discovering phase, which I am excellent at... plop me in any place and within a few days, or even hours, I will have found the local hangouts, the cool people and events and goings on, and I will be living local, as us perpetual gypsy travelers do. It is a true gift to be able to tap in in this way, really, and the trick is staying true to your own energy, integrity, which I slip away and into some funky situations sometimes. As the Highly Sensitive, Slightly Autistic, Empathic, Healer, Earth Witch that I am. And then, too, how about all the other phases of life - learning, growing, making mistakes, establishing, growing some more, creating, finding comfort in the flow, and eventually thriving. I would like to be at that Finding comfort and Familiarity in the Flow much more. And eventually feel that sensation of Thriving. I feel like it's been a while since that. I have been continually breaking down and throwing out and rewriting and erasing the script, now it seems not even clear who is this Lauren character and what is she even doing? She's still on the move? And what has she created? IS she alone in all of this? That must be a hard life after all. She does S E E M happy and the adventures are new and novel and exciting, but winter is coming and wouldn't it be nice to just be warm and cozy and snuggled up next to a special someone? Yes, I'd say so. And the sounds of childrens' voices and baby's cries ring familiar and nostalgic and there's a longing for family in there, too. It's an interesting experience to move through all of it and realize these deep deep knowings and longings of the soul. What helps is the writing, too. There is a strength and power to our words. The spelling, Spell. Ing. Making magic in the words. It is a craft and a special skill, too. When we remember. There is also a flow that happens once I allow myself to sit and be at the keyboard, at the notebook, at the sketch pad. Usually there's words, even on a blank page or canvas, there's words. It's my way of expression. And if not written then through Spoken Word. We have realized (me and many of mine) that I am a Storyteller. You may be thinking or saying 'duhh' as if you had known that all along, sometimes it's just my own stubbornness, still at the age of 34, that keeps me from myself. Questioning, wondering, seeking, trying to figure it out, instead of just sitting and letting things flow. It can be scary that Duende. Duende is the term flamencos use to describe the spirit that takes over the dancer when they are "in it". You know what I mean, especially if you have every experienced a true flamenco performance. It means spirit, or elf, like a mischevious forest knome of sorts, that possesses you with its spirit and you release and let go into the whilr and swil and craziness, spontaneousness of its message, of its art, of its expression. And that's what all of this is. The art, the music, the relationship, LIFE. We must learn to let go and surrender to what is looking to be expressed through us - whether it be a language (Spanish & Arabic? for me!), a movement (yoga & dance), a sound (screaming, speaking), an art for (drawing, painting, photography, ecstatic expression through movement, word, sound, etc), it is a flow that we surrender to and it happens to me with writing. Actually once I sit at the keyboard and actually put down something that has inspired me, the rest all comes, no plan really, just as it is. I often don't even begin because I don't have a plan, and I don't know and I want to know before I go. I want to know before I start, and the truth is that if you go in with heart and clear intention, all will be given. When you go in with heart and clear intention and FAITH, trust in the divine that you are protected, you are healthy, you are well, all is happening FOR you, then you are guided, not always seamlessly, but guided in the way that is needed for your ultimate knowing and learning and growth, into who you are truly meant to be, whether you are aware and wether you believe it or not. 

So, all that being said, the true purpose of this post was to say that if you are experiencing something NOW then it is worth putting it down and creating with it and from it NOW so that it stays and solidifies and integrates into a way of living and part of your life. We can only do this through practice. Through practice we RE-MEMBER, we put back together. So when we meet someone or participate in something, we use their name and we repeat what we learned, we SHARE it, through SHARING or knowledge it becomes real for us and it lives on. And that's what this is all about the Living On of a legacy, or our learnings, of our experience. I am realizing that I am not on this journey for me. I am on this journey for me and all that come after me, all that learn through me, all that watch, listen, look up to and believe in me. And the best I can do is be at peace within my heart and share my life in a simple way, live a more authentic way, and feel good, feel love, feel closeness. Life is not meant to be lived alone, constantly seeking and searching, life is to feel good, be cozy, be close, that word that the Danish use, you know, hygge. It's for real. And I'm realizing it more and more as I get older, and more and more as the speed of our planet increases and the seasons become moments in time. What sort of feeling do I want to have in the Winter, how would I like to spend my summer, what does the spring look like or feel to me? These are all things that we can actually contemplate and create for ourselves, and yet, the most important is truly peace in the heart and the clearing of the mind. I send blessings to you all and hope and wish you are living for NOW and not just a memory. I've got a ton of those and yet still find myself alone and in the middle of nowhere, re-membering. 

Break Free/Fly High

A note from DailyOM Today: 

Metaphorically, we take flight whenever we break free of the gravity that holds us to a particular way of thinking or feeling or being. We take flight mentally when we rise above our habitual ways of thinking about things and experience new insights. This is what it means to open our minds. Emotionally, we take flight when the strength of our passion exceeds the strength of our blockages; the floodgates open and we are free to feel fully. Spiritually we take flight when we locate that part of ourselves that is beyond the constraint of linear time and the world of form. It is in this place that we experience the essential boundlessness that defines the experience of flight. 

This is the fascination with birds. The feathers that find me, my spirit soaring as I sing and chant and move my body through space and time. Feeling all the feels, connecting with my heart, I am boundless, timeless, infinite, beyond the pulls of this Earth plane. My spirit flies as it is meant to, I am free, liberated. I am ME.

A Note from Wyoming

While Wyoming is breathtakingly beautiful, I find the stark contrast of populations of natives and white settlers to be disturbing. There is no sign of the tribes here in the small town or out in Jackson at all. I had this same feeling upon visiting Israel; whose land am I really on? A controversial topic, but the truth is truth, and it can be felt, for those of us tuned in enough to feel it. I have a knowing deep within me that with all that is changing and unraveling in the world, so too will these colonialist, patriarchal structures, that have raped and ravaged and displaced us. And, of course, I have benefited in many ways from these systems, growing up in an affluent suburb of New York City, the hub of all things capitalismo. However, I am learning and remembering and deciding more and more what feels right and just for me, regardless of what the moral "norm" or standard may be.. It seems living a simple, uncomplicated, comfortable life outside these systems on this land is not easy. It requires a deep deep commitment to the work you are here to do and who you are here to be. Unwavering in your faith and mission. God/Great Spirit will always provide when on your true path, I am still discovering exactly what that is and looks like, and one thing is for sure - I desire simplicity and calm in body, mind, spirit. A peace in my heart. These lands stir much within me and are awakening a fire that's been buried deep for a time. I've known and felt it and was never quite sure what it was about. The desire to explore this great land, Turtle Island, as the natives call it, is revealing so much. I am thankful for this opportunity to know and learn and explore, to see for myself. The truth of this country is told through a lens that is convenient and mostly manipulated. When you get out and see it, FEEL it, for yourself, there is a greatness beyond words and injustice, too, beyond belief. We are in 2021 and we are on our way. Much work to do and the message: Be True. One Step at A Time. Enjoy the Ride! Let Your Life Be Your Message. Mitakuye Oyasin. To All of My Relations.

Mother Earth does not need us as much as We Need Her. Let Us Remember and Honor Her, and know, too, that our bodies are our vessels and connection to the lands that we walk on. Taking care of self is taking care of Earth. We can come back to balance in this way. Returning to Love.